You can't. Really!

my mind wanders alot...
and so i ask when i can't suppress anymore...
just to appease the curosity inside...
the answers i get...
sometimes i feel nothing...
sometimes i turn nasty just because the feel and the words do not gel well with me...

there are things that i already know... happen to know...
and i did turn a few stones to purposely know...
and i know he knows sometimes...

his mind wanders alot too...
but he chooses to remain silence...
that is the way he deals with me...
and when the volcanoe erupts once in a blue blue moon...
he said of things that i did not know he knows and actually wanted to know too...

he always say, "if you cannot handle the truth, don't ask."

yes i know...
and i do agree...
but the mind and heart do not agree sometimes... 

our past seems rather daunting in one way or another...
and we both had been through the darkness at different points in our life...

and the rebounce...
i personally find it hard to believe at times...
too fast i guess...
and i mean both of us...

but just like Mrs MM Lee said, "You can't explain these things..."

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countdown to...

I have made the decision.

i ended the relationship that i have been wanting to for a long time.

and i quickly jump into another one before i can settle the previous.

but i'm happy. really happy.

i'm falling so hard for him.

i can't imagine my life ahead without him.

but the decision i made has deeply affected him badly... and me as well.

i fear the unknown.

what is going to happen - i don't know.

and that really is worrying.

i wonder, when i look back at the end of this year, how would my life be?

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It has been ages since....

yes! last posted something. to be exact, almost one year.

sigh...

today i have a almost heart-stopping surprise.

i received a huge bouquet of roses. 99 of them to be exact. 96 in pink. 3 in red.

i have never gotten such a huge bouquet before in my life. my first. and my last as well.

definitely.

i really don't deserve his attention. and the extravagant splurge on the beautiful roses.

he fills me with so much guilt and there is no way that i can repay him.

what should i do?

is there really a choice for me?

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Expected

it was all concluded.
just as expected.
nothing came out of it.
but.
the sweetness linger.
sigh...

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Unexpected

it was a surprise.
i didn't expect it.
i ponder endlessly on why is it happening.
or where it will lead me.
it's going nowhere.
definitely.
sigh...

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Random Thoughts 4

Year end seems so near and yet so far. 2 more months. Just 2 more months only. Wonder what have I done for the last 9 months or so? Can't seem to remember much. Or maybe there really ain't much to remember? Sigh...

Had many dreams lately. Dunno why. I usually have dreamless sleeps. Wonder what's the buzz in the darkest corner of the little brain that I have? Must be up to no good. Ha!

Work. Nitty gritty. Drag. Emptiness. No focus. Lost.

Life. Kinda bored.

Gonna run later.

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i hate

myself when i talk too much!

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stressed out...

the audit issue had given me a level of stress that is so mountainous high.

i felt the urgency.
i felt the need to be right.
i felt the brain being stuck.
i felt the frustration.
i felt the anger building up.

simply put, i can't think at all.

i had repeated these to myself umpteen times:
no no no, this shouldn't be like this.
there has got to be a better way.
what am i doing?
ok, i need to relax to get this straighten out

and all along, i thought i can handle stress well. just as long i calm myself down. but this time round, i can't suppress the anxiousness inside no matter how hard i try.

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Random thoughts 3

It's really very difficult to be nice when you dislike him. And he was not very nice to me either. I really really did try to be Ms Nice! Be it I like it or not, I'd triggered another volcanoe eruption. Obviously not done on deliberate, my witness can vouch for me. I'm back to being Ms Super Duper Nice. What more can i say, I'm dealing with a Mr Petty. Sigh...

Sometimes when I think back, I felt I had made the wrong decision. If I didn't reject him many years ago, we would be happy together. But there were times when I told myself that Yes! we are not meant to be together. Whatever. I can't change a single thing now.

There are days I feel lost. Not wanting to meet anybody. Not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to talk. And best of it all, not knowing what to do.

I'm gonna run in the rain later.

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wedding

a wedding is such a happy occasion. smiles on every face. the groom looks smart. the bride is at her prettiest. (almost) every gal would want to get married, to the guy that they love and spend the rest of their life together.

i wonder when my turn will come. or will it ever come?

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Random thoughts 2

I know time is against me. But what can I do? I have never thought I will stay 11 years. When I moved into the place, I told myself that it won't be long. Ha! Life is always full of surprises. And now, how long more? I have absolutely no idea. And I'm crossing my fingers HARD that it won't be long. I can only hope. Continue to hope.

The other day, I read an article saying that when your dreams eventually come true, the happiness level might not be as what you think you will feel. I seriously do agree though. Sometimes when you wanted something so badly, you will think that if you were to get it, you will definitely be in ecstasy. That, of course does not apply to all. Just some instances I guess. Whatever.

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easy manz...

Sometimes in life, you really have to take things the easy way. Be it your family, friends, work, words & etc.

Sometimes how some people react in certain circumstances doesn't necessary means this is them. Sometimes the things people say doesn't necessary means they mean it. Sometimes, you expect the family to understand, but they don't. Sometimes, you thought you can count on your best friends, but you can't. Sometimes... just sometimes...

I've got to try to take things easy, have to try. Be it I like it or not.

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Random thoughts 1

The whole of april, I was busy. Was in Japan for two weeks (Woohoo!) and then back to reality to slog.

Time really flies. It's May already. And before you realise it, it will soon be December. Another year will just end like that, for me.

Sometimes in life, things just happen when you least expect it. I was looking forward to the birth of the little one at the end of the year. But the little one had left without saying good bye. I felt the wave of sadness so strongly. The new mommy must have felt the heartpain a thousand times over. Tata my little love.

The pressure to perform is sky-high. I want a promotion next year!

I need to clear my debts. I need to take control of my moolah.

Be fair to all, love family dearly and be kind to animals.

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How true!

“We wait all these years to find someone who understands us, I thought, someone who accepts us as we are, someone with a wizard's power to melt stone to sunlight, who can bring us happiness in spite of trials, who can face our dragons in the night, who can transform us into the soul we choose to be. Just yesterday I found that magical Someone is the face we see in the mirror: It's us and our homemade masks.”
- Richard Bach

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Duhh...

I think I'm going bonkers.

The 2nd doc has been on my mind since Monday. Ya, I'm CONSTANTLY thinking of him.

What's up with me? Duhh...

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Arrhh.. that's where...

they have been hiding all these while - in the hospital.

Today, I went to the hospital for some stew-pid reason and met 2 really cute doctors.

How I wish they are both mine! Hahaa...

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messy messy messy

After a good 11 years of stubborn-ness and stew-pid insistence for who knows what, finally, I moved into the study room.

There are a few reasons on why the move. Guess, I shall not say much about those reasons since there is just no point anymore.

Anyway, the new room is so messy now. It's not that I don't want it to be neat, I WANT! It's just that I have yet to think of ways to hide them all. Urghh... The new place is definitely smaller and I didn't have a good sleep last night. Maybe it's the unfamiliarity, I kept waking up every now and then. Maybe I'm being sensitive, but I do feel kinda suffocated in here.

There are alot of feelings trapped inside me. I feel pissed, sad and helpless. Guess, they are just some kind of passing feelings and I will get over them soon enough. As I have been thinking for the longest time ever, the situtation I'm now in is really ironic.

In short: I want to leave but I can't.

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how?

no matter how hard i try, i still fail.

why is it so hard to suppress the dislike i have for him? i cannot stand him. i wish he will just leave me alone. he's such an eyesore.

i struggle to be nice. i pretend to be nice. why do i have to be so pretendious? it's just not me!

these 2 weeks will be blissful without him.

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